Just before Christmas, things got really bad. I mean, I am really, really struggling with the literal overnight end of my 5 year relationship. There was no lead up, no blow up, no issues we were working through…just a text message overnight “You win, I’m not coming.” This was literally 1 1/2 weeks before he was to move in and just over a month before we were going to be married.

I will never understand the “You win” – what did I win exactly?

Do you know how devastating it is to have someone literally walk out of your life so unexpectedly after you had spent literally years dreaming, building, communicating, working through issues…talking through everything?! My mind went immediately to “what is wrong with me?” What did I do?

And even now, a month later, I am still grappling with “what in the world happened?”

It’s not you, it’s me

I am not going into the details. But he continues to “blame” the ending on something so mind-blowing to me that I just know it’s not the full story. Which, of course, sends me spiraling into “what is wrong with me?”

Now I’m bouncing back and forth between questioning everything and getting glimpses of anger that this was done to me and my kids. I mean, who does this…for five years you chase a woman, a single mom. You woo her, you convince her that her crazy yet quiet life is what you are seeking. And then on the cusp of all the dreams and planning coming to fruition

You just walk away.

I am having to work to convince myself that it is Him, not Me. But that has been so hard!

Anger is cathartic

Right around Christmas, I spent days on end crying. Crying and crying and crying. I seriously made myself sick with all the crying.

My 17 year old and his friends surrounded me with hugs, food, and positive affirmations. They offered to take me out, help me find “hotties,” and so much more. As bad off as I was, I fully appreciated their efforts. And they did help.

But in the dark of the night, the depression overwhelmed and there was one night that I began to plan to end this life. Like seriously began to think about planning it.

But then the anger came. And it’s what I needed. Up until that point, I had just been sad, really sad, but there was no anger. It was like I couldn’t blame him because then he really wasn’t coming back.

And I guess, I was holding out hope that he was coming back. That he would miss me too much. Or realize that whatever his fears were, were unfounded. Something. Anything to get him back.

Even today as I write this, knowing he has told me he is moving on and so on, I hope he comes back.

But the anger, I’m holding on to that now. Because it’s motivating, it’s empowering.