I ‘googled” menopause and mood swings this afternoon. It was such a relief to realize that while peri-menopause sucks, I am not crazy! The amount of ads and then subsequent listings made me feel a bit better. Evidently, I’m not the only one with this concern. I feel crazy. It is like riding a roller coaster of emotions and there is no view of what’s coming next.

Take this week…

Monday

I cried all day, literally all day! Do you know how hard it to work and cry at the same time? Especially when so much of your work is video calls. It was terrible. I stayed off camera and muted regularly. And I cried about anything and everything and nothing.

I hated my job. Thankfully, I held it together enough not to just walk off the job, but there were a few calls where they definitely knew something was going on. Told my 17 year old that I legitimately depressed. And kept blaming it on it possibly being that time of the month. (We all know that perimenopause hits and even those with a history of super regular periods, get off track. I might have a real period every 3 months…maybe.)

Tuesday

This was an amazing day. Everything went my way. I loved my work. Did great on my video conference calls. I convinced my 17 year old to go walk the lake with me and a couple of our dogs. And I didn’t call my fiance 8,000,000 times seeking reassurance and attention.

A really good day. I was happy.

Wednesday

There was no roller coaster today, I just wanted to end it all. No rhyme or reason. I realized it was happening. But I can’t stop the thoughts.

In fact, during on really bad episode, I took my hearing aids out, took my glasses off and went and just laid on the deck in the sun. Hoping the vitamin D would restore some sort of balance to my moodiness.

As I lay there, I thought “this must be what post-partum depression feels like.” It is terrible, crippling and frankly, I see no way through it. Like I was legit suicidal. No, I’m not going to kill myself. I recognized the destructive thoughts. But man, those thoughts were very, very real.

How do I get off this roller coaster?

As I mentioned, I ‘googled’ this. It’s definitely common. But it cracked me up as I skimmed the recommendations for dealing with it…

• Stay away from sugar and alcohol – Now I’m not a big drinker, but seriously, I should avoid the things that typically bring comfort? A chocolate bar can solve a world of hurts.
• Do yoga and/or exercise – My parents are fond of the saying ‘growing old isn’t for sissies’ and they were right! I’m 47 and my body is telling me I’m 47. I don’t want to move more, I want to move less.
• Meditation – Girl, bye, the whole problem here is that I am in my head too much and listening too carefully. I think I need to get out of my head a bit.

So you can see, while my spirits improved knowing I am not alone and not crazy. There is no solution in sight that I can find. Although, I may try one of them…anti-depressants. I may need to do that because Monday and Wednesday of this week. Ugh! I do not want to relive or continue those type of days.

Thanks for listening to my rant! I needed to get this out. I am grateful for two sons and a fiance who let me rant and cry without trying to fix it or judge me.

Can we normalize this? Because I had no clue what this stage of life would bring. How come no one prepares us for this?